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Wednesday, January 18, 2005

Cheese, gum and the origins of life on Earth

Sometimes I get into these really odd, existential moods, where I start wondering about alternate realities and whatnot. Yeah, I know. I can tell your jaw just hit your chest. I heard it. Not believing in god (or whatever pasta dish is currently masquerading in its stead) makes explaining things like the platypus or Carrot Top really difficult, so I have to come up with other answers. But I'm sure you realise that I'm up to the task. Except when it comes to Carrot Top. There's just no explaining that guy.

My current theory goes something like this:
Years and years ago, there was a race of galactic super-beasts. Millions of light-years wide and many parsecs high, these beasties loved nothing more than practical jokes and drinking beer by the galaxy-load. One night, one of the teenaged beasties, I believe his name was Krog, decided to play a slightly mean-spirited trick on his little sister, Velveeta. Rounding up a few of his friends, they found the largest, hairiest, most disgusting black hole they could, and when she was sleeping they stuck her hand in it.

Well, you can bet Velveeta threw out a piercing scream when she awoke, flinging her arm (with black hole still attached) around with abandon, and jabbing her brother with a barbecue fork whenever she managed to get close enough, as she ran hurtling around space, leaving fallen pictures and broken windows in her wake. Krog led her on a merry chase all down Main Street, through stores and restaurants, he laughing, she shrieking. But all was to end in tears when Krog led Velveeta into the drugstore. There, the pharmacist, a Mr. Garbfig, stopped the two with one piercing stare. Velveeta's squealing wound down like a dying air raid siren, and Krog had the good sense to look ashamed of himself. But as Velveeta swung around to grab her brother and drag him home, she knocked over the gumball machine. Into the black hole still attached to her arm went the many-coloured gumballs, flying to all the corners of space in our own fledgling galaxy. And from those humble gum beginnings, began life on our planet Earth.

What, is it really any less believable than the bible?

.:8 comments | baked by pie at 12.50 AM | permalink:.