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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Help for men on Valentines Day

I know men have difficulty finding gifts and things to do for their girlfriends/wives that aren't trite and overdone like flowers and chocolates. So here are some thoughtful gifts and sweet little things you can do for your sweetheart to show her how much you care.

* Bring her a bandaid when she cuts herself making a fancy three-course meal for you.
* Point out exactly which part of your back needs rubbing, so she doesn't waste her time working on areas that don't need it.
* Leave the vacuum in the living room, all plugged in, so it's ready for her. For bonus points, unplug the vacuum when she's done with each room and plug it in again in the next room.
* Turn on the dishwasher (and that doesn't mean groping her from behind while she's rinsing the dishes).
* Buy her lingerie that makes her look like a cheap hooker, and ask her to wear a wig and speak with an accent while you have sex.


Gifts that show how much you care:
1) New vacuum bags
2) A set of top o' the line pots and pans
3) Novelty penis swizzle sticks
4) Birth control pills
5) A card that reads: "To my Valentine" on the outside, and written on the inside is: "I'm sorry I gave you crabs. I promise to only use the clean, high-priced escorts from now on". I don't think Hallmark makes these yet, so it'll have to be home-made. And home-made cards show how much you care because you put some effort into it.

Please note that I will not be held responsible for any lack of Valentines Day nookie and/or bruising or fractures caused by sharp blows to the head with a frying pan after your attempt of any of these maneuvres.


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