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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Presidents Day ruminations

Why is it that all things honoring past presidents have to do with consumerism? We engrave their images on our coins and bills, and use their one day a year to hawk stuff at a discount. And this is after it was decided it wasn't fair to honor only the good presidents by giving each their own day; now we have to lump them all together in order not to overlook such presidential mishaps as William Henry Harrison. "Monday! Monday! Monday! Come on down and buy a cheap car in honor of Honest Abe. He'll be honest on our behalf, since you know we'd drill a hole in our own skulls in order to sell you a lemon."

Okay, well the consumerism thing isn't strictly true. We also name streets, counties, states, national parks and memorials after them. But as far as holidays go, Presidents Day really is something of a loser. No barbecues, no parades, no ticker-tape, no fireworks, no decorations (unless you really want to plaster Nixon's face on your front door), not even any booze. Hell, I don't even get the day off work. I say we eschew Presidents Day in favor of a new holiday: The "It's Too Freakin' Long Between New Years and Easter" Four-Day Weekend. It'll sort of be a hodge-podge of all the worthless working holidays between New Years Day and Easter weekend.

Decorations will include cut-outs of our chubbiest presidents (to represent Fat Tuesday & Presidents Day) liberally adorned with green hearts (St. Patrick's valentines), and you'll invite your friends over to enjoy a mid-winter outdoor barbecue where you'll serve green eggs and ham (St Patrick again, plus a little early Easter fun). In honor of tax day and Passover, you should invite your accountant round for a little matzo ball soup. Seasonal blizzards will make the whole thing more exhilarating due to the threat of frostbite and avalanches.

I should really work for Hallmark. I'd make them a fortune.

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