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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Creature Feature

Seven months ago, I imparted all the great wisdom I'd gained from having been a parent for three months [pops]. Now that it's been a full ten months since having acquired this adorable little demon in toddler's clothing, I thought I'd share a few more important and insightful things I've learned since becoming a parent.

* Dogs and children are rivals for parental affection and will fight to the death to receive it, if given the chance.

* Xander will never miss the opportunity for a group hug. If Rob and I are in any way touching, he will always horn in on the action, usually managing to grope one or the other of us inappropriately at the same time.

* It's possible to work yourself up into a screaming, frothing frenzy over just about anything. If you do it right you can even get the dogs worked up so that everyone in a 3-block radius will be able to benefit from the screeching and barking extended remix.

* Xander will repeat whatever it is he's just said until you either repeat it or acknowledge it, no matter how inane. Example: "Doggie!" he cries, holding up his stuffed seeing eye dog toy. Two seconds later, "Doggie!" A further 5 seconds later, "Mummy! Doggie!" as he shoves the mangy thing in my face. When I finally say, "Yes, Xander, that's a doggie," he'll move onto the next thing on his list.

* I never thought I'd be so ecstatic about anyone taking a dump in the proper place.

* Toddlers really can't hold up their end of a telephone conversation.

* Toddlers have some sort of unnatural radar that tells them whenever you're getting dressed or undressed. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that Rob's using Xander as a scout to report back when I'm unclothed and vulnerable to ambush.

* If a toddler has been mining for nose gold and you tell him to stop, he will immediately try to shove the offending finger in your ear, eye or mouth.

* If you laugh at something, your toddler will laugh right along with you, even though he has no idea what's funny. They're the ultimate audience for a failed stand-up comedian.

* Peeling a screaming toddler off your leg is harder than it looks.

Categories: lists, daily life, photographs

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Tips to Make Groundhog Day More Enjoyable

• It's a groundhog.
• They've anthropomorphized it, but it's still a groundhog.
• It can't predict the weather. It's a freakin' groundhog.
• Have you ever really looked at a groundhog? It's ridiculous.
• Did I say that it was a groundhog? Yeah.
• Drink a lot of beer before checking the official Punxsutawney Groundhog Club website for the groundhog's decision.

Categories: lists, current events

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Thursday, January 08, 2009

So, it's 2009 already. A brand spanking new year, shiny with promise and edged with hope. Or you know, something a little more ominous and foreboding. A new year means it's time to dust off this blog and see if I can resume something resembling regular updates. I admit I've been seriously lazy when it comes to blogging, but all I can offer as a defense is that my job has sucked every last humorous impulse out of me, probably right about the time it sucked out my soul and left the head of a software developer in my bed.

Anyway.

Rejected Childrens Book Sequels

1. Guess How Much I Wish You'd Move Out
2. The Velveteen Rabbit and the Garbage Barge
3. The Bulimic Caterpillar
4. The Giving Tree Takes Back
5. Mrs. Piggle Wiggle's Basement
6. Uncle Joe Visits The Secret Garden
7. Mr. Popper's Penis
8. Pippi Longstocking Walks the Plank
9. Flicka's Trip to the Slaughterhouse
10. Harry the Dirty Dog Humps His Last Leg

Categories: silliness, lists, blogging

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Friday, August 01, 2008

Baby blues

Well, I've officially been a parent to a two year old for a little over three months now, and I thought I'd share a little of my newly acquired parenting wisdom so everyone can benefit from my experience.

* Duct tape does not make a good babysitter (it tends to strip the paint off the wall when you pull him down).

* Boys will pee anywhere, at any time, on anything.

* Toddlers are like angry, violent drunks or happy, I-love-you-man drunks for a lot of the time. But keep in mind that they are not actually drunk and resist the temptation to give them whiskey.

* Do not, under any circumstances, allow your kid put his hand into his diaper.

* Dogs are the best tool for cleaning up after dinnertime tantrums.

* "Yay" is a good all-purpose word.

* Teaching your kid to yell "Da plane! Da plane!" every time a plane flies overhead does not make you a bad parent. However, dressing him in a white suit may make you a bad parent.

* They don't make dog-sized saddles for a reason.

Categories: lists, daily life, adoption

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Monday, March 24, 2008

New designer dog breeds:

    Lakeland Terrier
    Lhasa Apso
 + Pointer                      
    La-sa Pointer

    Miniature Pinscher
    Cardigan Welsh Corgi
 + Kerry Blue Terrier          
    Miniature Blue Cardigan

    Great Dane
 + Scottish Terrier         
    Great Scott

    Whippet
    Golden Retriever
 + Bloodhound                
    Whippet Good

Categories: silliness, lists

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Pet peeves

Meat products/steakhouses using cheerful animals in their advertising. Like that cow really wants you to eat her, and she won't be happy until her ass has been carved up, cooked and slapped on your plate.

Sideways rain. Gravity is law, damn it.

Pretentious people who use New Jersey instead of Satan's Armpit.

Infomercials that expect me to believe that the vaguely attractive moron in a labcoat is actually a doctor.

Toilet paper that feels like waxed paper. It's supposed to be absorbent. Jebus.

People who are "experts" in useless subjects like yodeling, poltergeists, or the French.

Categories: irritations, lists

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 9.37 AM | permalink:.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Google applications for real life

1) Blocking annoying coworkers who try to rope you into long, drawn-out conversations about their kids, their relationship troubles, or that time they drank an entire keg in college.

2) Locating your lost keys.

Click for legible version [pops]

3) Blocking door-to-door solicitors trying to sell you magazine subscriptions, Girl Scout cookies, or god.

4) Getting stuff down from a high shelf.

5) Some sort of fridge alarm that warns you that what you're about to eat has expired and is likely to cause an explosive reaction in your pants.



What would you like Google to build an application for?

Categories: photoshops, lists

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Friday, February 29, 2008

Random lists that no one cares about

8 Things I'm Passionate About
- Music
- Animals
- Rob
- Computers
- The kidlet
- Cheese
- Coffee
- Pain relief

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
- Be a great mum
- Move to another country (ok, a different one)
- Retire early
- Rebuild family relationships
- Write a book
- Adopt a second child
- Celebrate my 50th anniversary
- Play in another band

8 Things I Say Often
- Shit shit shit (has to be said 3 times)
- Pfft
- Good dog!
- Bad dog!
- I hate my job
- Get off the fuckin' road, if you can't drive
- Fuck
- Oaf (I'm trying to bring it back into popularity - and failing)

8 Books I've Read Recently
- Blaze by Stephen King
- Toddler Adoption: A Weaver's Craft
- Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett
- What to Expect, The Toddler Years
- Soul Music by Terry Pratchett
- Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
- The Science of Discworld
- Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
- While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
- Let it Grow - Eric Clapton
- Optimistic Thought - Blues Traveler
- Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails
- For You Blue - The Beatles
- World in My Eyes - Depeche Mode
- Isolation - John Lennon
- Tangled Up in Blue - Bob Dylan

Categories: lists, memes

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Friday of Lists

6 books that didn't make it into print
1) Cats, Cats, Everywhere! a children's book by Erwin Schrodinger
2) Safely Mixing Medications by Heath Ledger (too soon?)
3) Anna Nicole Smith's Steps to Sobriety
4) Making Your Marriage Last by Pamela Anderson
5) Curing Cancer Through Meditation by Tom Cruise (ghost-written by Xenu)
6) Quantum Mechanics Made Simple by George W. Bush

Useful curses for the new millennium
1) May your internet connection always be down
2) May you appear on a "reality" show
3) May you drop your expensive new cell phone into a Port-o-Potty
4) May your job be outsourced to "Bob" in India
5) A pox on your house (you can't argue with the classics)

Categories: lists

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Monday, January 28, 2008

Things my dogs have taught me

1) People who knock on the door are evil and must be destroyed
2) Recycling is good (particularly food)
3) The most important thing in life is a good belly rub
4) Finding joy in the simple things makes you a lot happier
5) Dog hair has a magnetic attraction to dark clothing
6) If it's on the floor, it's good eatin'
7) Make sure everyone knows when you're upset
8) Nothing is more satisfying than a good back scratch
9) If you enjoy the music, sing it loud
10) The best time to pleasure one's self is when guests are over

Bonus link: Video of Oliver with a mouthful of peanut butter (pops).

Categories: lists, pets

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