Category: daily life

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Warning: long mommy-blog type post ahead

I decided that we should "do something fun" last weekend, as I was about to start a new job with a horrific commute, and I had a brand new refill on my painkillers. This idea to "do something fun" is usually my undoing, but beforehand it always sounds like a great idea. Yet somehow I never learn.

This time my "do something fun" idea was to visit the Woodland Park Zoo, as I'd recently seen an ad on television stating that they had a batch of brand new penguins. And I'm a sucker for penguins. Plus, Xander loves Pingu, so of course he must love live penguins, too, right? Even if Pingu doesn't really look so much like a penguin, lives in an igloo with indoor plumbing, and hits his sister.

Anyway, we didn't get out of the house until after lunch, which was admittedly my fault. I just couldn't get my ass in gear to shower and get dressed. But we'd decided to forego Xander's usual afternoon nap so that he'd be tired by bedtime as he was going to have to get back into his daycare schedule of going to bed at 7.30-8pm and getting up at 6.30am. Hopefully with a minimum of screaming and whining. So leaving at what was usually his nap time was the plan.

So after we drove around the various zoo parking lots for 45 minutes trying to find a space, stalking zoo patrons encumbered with six ice cream-covered, snot-filled kids and strollers wider than my car, and asking each other "are they leaving or are they going into the zoo?", we finally found a spot and to the tune of "get down! get down!" we removed Xander from his car seat, plonked him in his stroller (which we really only use these days for situations in which he'd suddenly decide he doesn't want to walk anymore and we're forced to carry him on a mini-Bataan Death March (too soon?) for 10 miles back to the car) and gave the cashier the equivalent of a car payment to get into the zoo. [Holy crap, is that the mother of all run-on sentences, or what?]

And there, the fun stops. And it was only fun so far because Xander had slept nearly the entire way in the car (so much for skipping his nap.) We headed towards the penguins first, because that was really the main reason we were there. Plus they were closest to the entrance.

Xander really did enjoy the penguins, but it was difficult to get close because apparently every other parent and child in King County had decided en masse to visit the penguins at that exact moment. So Rob took him out of the stroller and carried him over to wedge a space between some other grubby children to look at the penguins swimming happily about their new habitat.

It was quite a distance between the penguins and the next exhibit and rather than drag Xander by one arm, legs dangling uselessly and mouth screaming, we decided to put him back into his stroller so we could leave the zoo sometime before the end of the world. But of course he didn't want to get back into the stroller. "Do you want to walk?" "NO!" Ok. So he doesn't want to walk. He doesn't want to be in the stroller. What does he want to do? He wants to be carried. Through the entire zoo.

At that point I had a sudden glimpse of Xander's high school graduation where he'd still be in diapers and had to have his daddy carry him up to the podium to get his diploma, because why would he use his own legs when he can get someone to carry him? And then he took up his job as chief fry-maker at McDonald's and made himself cozy in our basement for the rest of his life.

Anyway. It pretty much went on like this for the rest of the day. He wants to be in the stroller. He wants to walk. He wants to be carried. And god help you if you don't react to his demands quickly enough, because even the monkeys stopped their shrieking momentarily to stare out at the creature that was so much louder and shriller than they were.

Lesson learned last weekend: if I want to go look at penguins, leave Xander with a babysitter so I can enjoy the zoo in peace. I've found that a lot of kid-oriented activities are so much better without the kids.

Categories: daily life

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 9.27 AM | permalink:.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Pie Household Personnel Policies

Overview
These personnel policies have been created to provide members of the Pie household an official written statement of the rules and regulations in effect within this household. Please read the following statements carefully. These regulations have been imposed to promote fairness [terms of fairness to be decided upon by CEO (Chief of Everything Officer, Pie) and CFO (Chief Financial Officer, Rob)] and efficiency within the household.

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Work Schedule
Weekday work schedule begins at 6.30am sharp. Employees must wake and be cooperative at this time. Failure to be cooperative will result in shorter allotted time for morning meal, and loss of Sesame Street privileges.

The workday ends when management decides it's had enough of the employee for one day. The workday end encompasses one (1) bath, tooth-brushing, hair-brushing, a minimum of three (3) bedtime stories, kisses, cuddles and tucking-in. Any misbehavior during the end of day activities will result in less bath time and loss of bedtime stories. Kisses, cuddles and tucking-in will be downgraded to one (1) kiss and a tucking-in.

Weekend schedules are more flexible, but work start and end times are set by management. Employees are expected to be cooperative and available for work at a time of management's discretion.

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Compensation and Benefits
Compensation is provided in the form of clothing, meals, snacks, toys, books, films, and generally all material items used by the employee. At such time as management feels the employee to be responsible enough, a weekly allowance may be provided in return for chores.

Benefits include Medical (kisses for all scratches, scrapes and bumps), Dental (regular tooth-brushing accompanied the tooth-brushing song) and Life (you won't ask, if you know what's good for you.)

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Disciplinary Action
Offender will be allowed one warning before formal disciplinary action is taken by management. The offender may occasionally be permitted a second warning, depending on the type and severity of the infraction. If the offending employee does not respond positively to verbal warnings, further disciplinary action will be taken in the form of:

1. taking away an item belonging to employee, particularly if said item was used in the commission of a crime (i.e., whacking dog with it)
2. time-out downstairs on time-out seat
3. time-out upstairs in bedroom on time-out seat
4. loss of remainder of meal and/or loss of dessert privileges on rare occasions that dessert is offered
5. in certain cases, "cruel and unusual" (but hilarious) punishments may be enforced at the discretion of management. These may include, but are not limited to:
   1. allowing dog to sit on/ride offender (with or without a saddle) if offense included attempting to sit on/ride the dog
   2. forcing offender to wear dress in public (make-up and hair ribbons added at management discretion)
   3. imitation/repetition of whining by management (the Echo Game).

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Procedures for Filing Grievances or Appeals
There are no procedures in place at this time. The CEO's word is final. And don't whine - nobody likes a whiner.

Categories: silliness, daily life

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 10.40 AM | permalink:.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Creature Feature

Seven months ago, I imparted all the great wisdom I'd gained from having been a parent for three months [pops]. Now that it's been a full ten months since having acquired this adorable little demon in toddler's clothing, I thought I'd share a few more important and insightful things I've learned since becoming a parent.

* Dogs and children are rivals for parental affection and will fight to the death to receive it, if given the chance.

* Xander will never miss the opportunity for a group hug. If Rob and I are in any way touching, he will always horn in on the action, usually managing to grope one or the other of us inappropriately at the same time.

* It's possible to work yourself up into a screaming, frothing frenzy over just about anything. If you do it right you can even get the dogs worked up so that everyone in a 3-block radius will be able to benefit from the screeching and barking extended remix.

* Xander will repeat whatever it is he's just said until you either repeat it or acknowledge it, no matter how inane. Example: "Doggie!" he cries, holding up his stuffed seeing eye dog toy. Two seconds later, "Doggie!" A further 5 seconds later, "Mummy! Doggie!" as he shoves the mangy thing in my face. When I finally say, "Yes, Xander, that's a doggie," he'll move onto the next thing on his list.

* I never thought I'd be so ecstatic about anyone taking a dump in the proper place.

* Toddlers really can't hold up their end of a telephone conversation.

* Toddlers have some sort of unnatural radar that tells them whenever you're getting dressed or undressed. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that Rob's using Xander as a scout to report back when I'm unclothed and vulnerable to ambush.

* If a toddler has been mining for nose gold and you tell him to stop, he will immediately try to shove the offending finger in your ear, eye or mouth.

* If you laugh at something, your toddler will laugh right along with you, even though he has no idea what's funny. They're the ultimate audience for a failed stand-up comedian.

* Peeling a screaming toddler off your leg is harder than it looks.

Categories: lists, daily life, photographs

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 8:04 PM | permalink:.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Baby blues

Well, I've officially been a parent to a two year old for a little over three months now, and I thought I'd share a little of my newly acquired parenting wisdom so everyone can benefit from my experience.

* Duct tape does not make a good babysitter (it tends to strip the paint off the wall when you pull him down).

* Boys will pee anywhere, at any time, on anything.

* Toddlers are like angry, violent drunks or happy, I-love-you-man drunks for a lot of the time. But keep in mind that they are not actually drunk and resist the temptation to give them whiskey.

* Do not, under any circumstances, allow your kid put his hand into his diaper.

* Dogs are the best tool for cleaning up after dinnertime tantrums.

* "Yay" is a good all-purpose word.

* Teaching your kid to yell "Da plane! Da plane!" every time a plane flies overhead does not make you a bad parent. However, dressing him in a white suit may make you a bad parent.

* They don't make dog-sized saddles for a reason.

Categories: lists, daily life, adoption

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 10.06 AM | permalink:.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

So now that we're getting close to adopting, I'm starting to get a wee bit terrified of motherhood. I mean, we get to skip the first two screaming, diaper-clad, stinky, barfing, teething years (although we also missed all the firsts like his first step and first word). Don't get me wrong, I realize that the next couple of years are likely to be pretty full of screaming, too - we'll be bringing him home just in time for the 'terrible twos' to set in. And actually, come to think of it, he hasn't been toilet trained yet so we still get the stinky, diaper-clad part.

And then, once you finally get the relief of moving out of Tantrum Country, you sail directly into the Sea of Questions. "Mummy, why is the sky blue?"
"Mummy, what are stars made out of?"
"Mummy, how come the dog scoots his butt on the floor like that?"
"Mummy, what're those magazines in daddy's nightstand?" (Just kidding, Rob)
"Mummy, is Oliver playing leap-frog with Nugget?"
"Mummy, how come my teacher drinks Maalox right from the bottle?"
"Daddy, why does mummy have Trent Reznor tied up in the basement?"

Okay, probably not that last one. If nothing else, we don't have a basement.

But don't worry, I don't plan to become one of those mothers that thinks everything little Timmy does is the height of adorableness. "Oh look, honey. Timmy smeared the contents of his diaper all over the wall. Isn't that just adorable?" I'm a realist when it comes to children, poop, and cuteness.

Categories: daily life, adoption

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 9.19 AM | permalink:.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

For everything there is a season

We just got back from London last night. Rob's dad Monty had a bad fall down the stairs, either caused by a minor heart attack, or he had the heart attack during or after the fall. He was in hospital last weekend, but appeared to be doing better, even talking and walking around the ward, and was moved out of intensive care. When Rob called his mum last Monday, he'd taken a turn for the worse, having possibly had a stroke, and was bleeding into his brain.

So Rob and I hopped on a plane, and managed to get to London just in time for Rob to see his dad one last time. I know it was very hard for Rob to see his dad like that, so small and bruised, unconscious in that hospital bed, but he knows it's best that his dad didn't linger and suffer for long.

After a lot of hassle trying to prove that Monty was actually Jewish, they managed to get the funeral set up for Sunday, so Rob and I stayed for that. Monty was buried at an Orthodox Jewish cemetary (by his request) with a lovely and moving ceremony, and all of their relatives came back to Rob's mum's house after. It was a hard week for Rob, and I'm sure he's glad we're home again.

Anyway, I don't have anything silly to post at the moment, just wanted to let any of you out there reading where I've been. We didn't really do any sightseeing, although we did briefly visit the British Museum, and wandered around central London while I was shopping for an outfit for the funeral. You can see our pics here (pops).

You will be greatly missed, Monty. Rest in peace.

Categories: daily life, photographs

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 12.15 PM | permalink:.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Pointless things Rob and I argue about

PDAs. He's for them; I'm against.

Types of air fresheners. This one makes an annoying swoosh noise every few minutes, that one smells too much like Pledge, the other one puts off too much smoke.

Who has to decide what restaurant at which to eat:
  "I don't care. You decide."
  "I'll pick a place and then you'll say you don't want to eat there."
  "I really don't have any strong preference. Just pick somewhere."
  "Oh for f*ck's sake. Just tell me where you want to eat."
  "Screw you. I don't want to eat with you at all anymore. Forget it, I'm staying home. I'll make toast."

The stench of roasted anchovies on his pizza.

The fact that I have two alarm clocks, one of which just sits on the dresser shining bright blue light all night, but I have yet to get to function properly as anything other than speakers for my iPod.

Who's going to drive.

The reason behind my refusal to let him remove the spare terrarium from my study.

Halloween.

Whether I should be allowed a piano, an electric piano and a drum kit, or whether they're taking up too much space. And where the hell he hid my ride cymbal.

My need to open a new container of milk if there's one available, even if there's still milk in the old one.

"Mt. Clothesmore".

Why the hell, when I have literally hundreds of books already, I continue to buy more.

Christmas decorations.

How to hold my gecko when he's squirming and doesn't want to take his antibiotics.

The fact that he persists in touching (and moving) my stuff.

Rollercoasters. No, really.

Categories: silliness, lists, daily life

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 11.53 AM | permalink:.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Thank you, come again

My apologies for the lack of posts during the past week. I really do mean to post more often now that I've moved, but since Saturday I've been suffering from the dreaded lurg. We will return you to your regularly scheduled blogging as soon as possible.

Categories: asides, daily life, blogging

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 1.54 PM | permalink:.