cult of pie: permalink

Category: silliness

Friday, March 06, 2009

Pie Household Personnel Policies

Overview
These personnel policies have been created to provide members of the Pie household an official written statement of the rules and regulations in effect within this household. Please read the following statements carefully. These regulations have been imposed to promote fairness [terms of fairness to be decided upon by CEO (Chief of Everything Officer, Pie) and CFO (Chief Financial Officer, Rob)] and efficiency within the household.

Work Schedule
Weekday work schedule begins at 6.30am sharp. Employees must wake and be cooperative at this time. Failure to be cooperative will result in shorter allotted time for morning meal, and loss of Sesame Street privileges.

The workday ends when management decides it's had enough of the employee for one day. The workday end encompasses one (1) bath, tooth-brushing, hair-brushing, a minimum of three (3) bedtime stories, kisses, cuddles and tucking-in. Any misbehavior during the end of day activities will result in less bath time and loss of bedtime stories. Kisses, cuddles and tucking-in will be downgraded to one (1) kiss and a tucking-in.

Weekend schedules are more flexible, but work start and end times are set by management. Employees are expected to be cooperative and available for work at a time of management's discretion.

Compensation and Benefits
Compensation is provided in the form of clothing, meals, snacks, toys, books, films, and generally all material items used by the employee. At such time as management feels the employee to be responsible enough, a weekly allowance may be provided in return for chores.

Benefits include Medical (kisses for all scratches, scrapes and bumps), Dental (regular tooth-brushing accompanied the tooth-brushing song) and Life (you won't ask, if you know what's good for you.)

Disciplinary Action
Offender will be allowed one warning before formal disciplinary action is taken by management. The offender may occasionally be permitted a second warning, depending on the type and severity of the infraction. If the offending employee does not respond positively to verbal warnings, further disciplinary action will be taken in the form of:

taking away an item belonging to employee, particularly if said item was used in the commission of a crime (i.e., whacking dog with it)
time-out downstairs on time-out seat
time-out upstairs in bedroom on time-out seat
loss of remainder of meal and/or loss of dessert privileges on rare occasions that dessert is offered
in certain cases, "cruel and unusual" (but hilarious) punishments may be enforced at the discretion of management. These may include, but are not limited to:
1. allowing dog to sit on/ride offender (with or without a saddle) if offense included attempting to sit on/ride the dog
2. forcing offender to wear dress in public (make-up and hair ribbons added at management discretion)
3. imitation/repetition of whining by management (the Echo Game).

Procedures for Filing Grievances or Appeals
There are no procedures in place at this time. The CEO's word is final. And don't whine - nobody likes a whiner.

Categories: silliness, daily life

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 10.40 AM | permalink:.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Help for men on Valentines Day

I know men have difficulty finding gifts and things to do for their girlfriends/wives that aren't trite and overdone like flowers and chocolates. So here are some thoughtful gifts and sweet little things you can do for your sweetheart to show her how much you care.

* Bring her a bandaid when she cuts herself making a fancy three-course meal for you.
* Point out exactly which part of your back needs rubbing, so she doesn't waste her time working on areas that don't need it.
* Leave the vacuum in the living room, all plugged in, so it's ready for her. For bonus points, unplug the vacuum when she's done with each room and plug it in again in the next room.
* Turn on the dishwasher (and that doesn't mean groping her from behind while she's rinsing the dishes).
* Buy her lingerie that makes her look like a cheap hooker, and ask her to wear a wig and speak with an accent while you have sex.

Gifts that show how much you care:
1) New vacuum bags
2) A set of top o' the line pots and pans
3) Novelty penis swizzle sticks
4) Birth control pills
5) A card that reads: "To my Valentine" on the outside, and written on the inside is: "I'm sorry I gave you crabs. I promise to only use the clean, high-priced escorts from now on". I don't think Hallmark makes these yet, so it'll have to be home-made. And home-made cards show how much you care because you put some effort into it.

Please note that I will not be held responsible for any lack of Valentines Day nookie and/or bruising or fractures caused by sharp blows to the head with a frying pan after your attempt of any of these maneuvres.

From the archives

Categories: silliness

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Saturday, January 31, 2009

How hot is your car?

Rob and I were having a conversation about the relative attractiveness of our respective cars. My car is cute; it's little and red with tinted windows and snazzy wheels, although it does have something of a large rear end (a little junk in the trunk, if you will).

Rob's car, I informed him, was like the last bar hag left at the end of the night when the lights come on. She has stringy hair and smells of 3-day old whiskey.

His car is like the prostitute who never gets her mugshot in one of those online mugshot roundups, because she never gets arrested, because she's so heinous that she doesn't have any customers.

His car is like a dead hooker.

And with that, I think I won.

Categories: silliness, asides

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 6.07 PM | permalink:.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Presidents Day ruminations

Why is it that all things honoring past presidents have to do with consumerism? We engrave their images on our coins and bills, and use their one day a year to hawk stuff at a discount. And this is after it was decided it wasn't fair to honor only the good presidents by giving each their own day; now we have to lump them all together in order not to overlook such presidential mishaps as William Henry Harrison. "Monday! Monday! Monday! Come on down and buy a cheap car in honor of Honest Abe. He'll be honest on our behalf, since you know we'd drill a hole in our own skulls in order to sell you a lemon."

Okay, well the consumerism thing isn't strictly true. We also name streets, counties, states, national parks and memorials after them. But as far as holidays go, Presidents Day really is something of a loser. No barbecues, no parades, no ticker-tape, no fireworks, no decorations (unless you really want to plaster Nixon's face on your front door), not even any booze. Hell, I don't even get the day off work. I say we eschew Presidents Day in favor of a new holiday: The "It's Too Freakin' Long Between New Years and Easter" Four-Day Weekend. It'll sort of be a hodge-podge of all the worthless working holidays between New Years Day and Easter weekend.

Decorations will include cut-outs of our chubbiest presidents (to represent Fat Tuesday & Presidents Day) liberally adorned with green hearts (St. Patrick's valentines), and you'll invite your friends over to enjoy a mid-winter outdoor barbecue where you'll serve green eggs and ham (St Patrick again, plus a little early Easter fun). In honor of tax day and Passover, you should invite your accountant round for a little matzo ball soup. Seasonal blizzards will make the whole thing more exhilarating due to the threat of frostbite and avalanches.

I should really work for Hallmark. I'd make them a fortune.

Categories: silliness, current events

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 12.54 PM | permalink:.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

So, it's 2009 already. A brand spanking new year, shiny with promise and edged with hope. Or you know, something a little more ominous and foreboding. A new year means it's time to dust off this blog and see if I can resume something resembling regular updates. I admit I've been seriously lazy when it comes to blogging, but all I can offer as a defense is that my job has sucked every last humorous impulse out of me, probably right about the time it sucked out my soul and left the head of a software developer in my bed.

Anyway.

Rejected Childrens Book Sequels

Guess How Much I Wish You'd Move Out
The Velveteen Rabbit and the Garbage Barge
The Bulimic Caterpillar
The Giving Tree Takes Back
Mrs. Piggle Wiggle's Basement
Uncle Joe Visits The Secret Garden
Mr. Popper's Penis
Pippi Longstocking Walks the Plank
Flicka's Trip to the Slaughterhouse
Harry the Dirty Dog Humps His Last Leg

Categories: silliness, lists, blogging

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 12.17 PM | permalink:.

Friday, January 02, 2009

'Twas the day after New Year

'Twas the day after New Year, and cubicles swept,
With sounds of deep wheezing and snores as they slept.

The trashcans were placed by the queasy with care,
In fears that their hangovers soon cause despair.

The workers who nestled in cubicle lands,
Dreamt visions of holidays spent in the sand.

The boss in suspenders and new reindeer tie,
Had set up more meetings to make people cry.

When down from the lobby there came a loud sound,
I leapt from my desk and tripped with a frown,

Over mountains of desk toys and crumbs of stale cake,
Fell head over heels to the floor with a quake.

I ran to the window to seek out the fuss,
Pulled up the Venetians with just a quick thrust.

The sirens and lights filled my eyes and my ears,
Causing shock and surprise to all of my peers.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But guards and policemen in full riot gear.

I looked out behind me, and what should I see,
The boss looking shaken and gripping his knees.

More evil than demons his plans had been made,
To downsize departments, send workers away

"Now, Oldster! Now, Intern! Now, Useless and Drippy,
On, Techie! On, HR! On Service and Shipping!

To the carpark! Security will escort you there,
Now get out, begone, bugger off, hit the stairs!"

As the workers cleared out their desks, full of woe,
The guards came behind them to give them a blow.

So down to the lobby the guards and the fired,
And the silent coworkers who hadn't expired.

Looking back at the boss, in his shiny suspenders,
We knew he'd had kickbacks from most of his vendors.

A bitter thought swept through all of the masses,
Just about how all the high-ups were asses.

Decisions were reached in the blink of an eye,
Revenge it is sweet, and the time it was nigh,

To take on that backstabbing snake in the grass
Hold him responsible, not let him pass.

Together we coworkers cheered with delight,
Took our boss to the rooftop, not without fight.

Then, in a twinkling, threw him over the side,
We heard the loud thump as he hit, as he died.

And laying a finger inside of his nose,
The prodigy groomed by the boss calmly rose,

To take the position of boss, with a smile,
At all the coworkers, his heart filled with bile.

But I heard them exclaim, ere he ran down the stairs,
"Brake lines can be sliced, he'd better beware."

Categories: silliness, stories

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 5.04PM | permalink:.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Care and Feeding of Your Geek
Geeks tend to be very shy, reserved creatures and aren't often seen in the wild, preferring to remain sheltered where they won't be noticed or harrassed. If you do happen to catch a geek be sure to treat it gently and with kindness. When a geek is frightened or forced into a corner, it will often bite or scratch and take the first opportunity to flee and find the closest WiFi network. So take precautions when approaching any trapped or cornered geek to ensure that neither you nor it will come to any harm.

Geeks are fairly low-maintenance pets, and you can easily add one to your family without spending a fortune - and often, you almost forget they're around if they're happy and all their needs are being met. That said, geeks can be very useful additions to your household as once they're settled they can rebuild your computer, fix your toaster oven, and teach you the cheats and tricks for your favorite video game. They're friendly for the most part and often adorable - like a small fuzzy creature you just want to squeeze and squeeze until its head pops off. Note: don't do this.

Bringing your geek home
Once you’ve trapped a geek and you're absolutely sure you want to try to domesticate it rather than releasing it back into the wild, be very careful to approach your geek from the front. Geeks can be skittish, and don't like people creeping up behind them in case they're in the midst of an embarrassing message-board flame war or viewing online porn.

You can tempt your geek by offering it Monty Python DVDs, Douglas Adams books or sticks of RAM. Once you have its attention, coo soothingly to it about science fiction, the latest technology, or whether Kirk was superior to Picard.

Once it’s made eye contact with you, your best bet is to swoop in quickly, place a cotton bag over its head so it will think it's asleep (it helps to play the Star Wars theme so it will be distracted by thoughts of Princess Leia, which will keep any male geek docile), and bundle it into your car.

Housing
Now that you’ve brought your geek home, what do you do with it? Well, a geek’s housing needs are pretty simple. Make sure that you have an ergonomic desk set up as well as a comfortable gaming chair in front of the game console (you do have one, don’t you? If not, get one! Go on - now!) They will need sleeping quarters but will rarely use them, preferring to stay up nights playing WoW.

Food / Water
An endless supply of snack foods and easy-to-make instant meals is always a good start. Caffeinated drinks are a favorite, so be sure you have plenty on hand.

Lighting
Geeks tend to prefer artificial light to natural daylight, so don’t force your geek to venture out into the sun if it’s not comfortable doing so. Be sure to provide plenty of halogen or fluorescent lighting around your geek’s work and gaming areas as the buzzing fluorescents can often be soothing for your geek.

Handling
Geeks can be a little skittish when it comes to physical contact, so be sure that it’s comfortable with you before you try handling it. Once you’ve made a bond with your geek, you should be able to handle it whenever you like, but keep in mind that if your geek is preoccupied with an MMORPG, it may snarl or bare its teeth at you.

Enjoy!
Geeks are very enjoyable low-maintenance pets once you get one to trust you. Just keep in mind that you will keep your geek much happier, and therefore more friendly towards you, if all its needs are being met. Enjoy the new geeky addition to your family!

Categories: silliness

.:6 comments | baked by pie at 8.43 AM | permalink:.

Monday, March 24, 2008

New designer dog breeds:

    Lakeland Terrier
    Lhasa Apso
+ Pointer
    La-sa Pointer

    Miniature Pinscher
    Cardigan Welsh Corgi
+ Kerry Blue Terrier
    Miniature Blue Cardigan

    Great Dane
+ Scottish Terrier
    Great Scott

    Whippet
    Golden Retriever
+ Bloodhound
    Whippet Good

Categories: silliness, lists

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 12.54 PM | permalink:.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Pre-Valentine's Day Haikus

roses can be red
violets are often blue
valentine's day blows

bogus holiday
just to sell cards and candy
you sent flowers, right?

Steak and BJ Day
the male alternative to
sentimental tripe

shot in the buttocks
by cupid's arrow of schmaltz
now you have herpes

Categories: silliness

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 9.40 AM | permalink:.

Friday, January 25, 2008

An Open Letter to Britney Spears

Dear Fruitcake,

I understand that things have been tough for you lately. But there comes a time when you have to acknowledge that you're spelunking through uncharted territory in the Caves of Insanity, and the light on your helmet has gone out, and you’re left dangling in complete darkness at the end of a rope attached to a tree half a mile above you. And now you can hear the bats beginning to stir.

Personally I've never been a fan of yours, but it's undeniable that just a few short years ago you were on top of the world. What happened? Did it start when you married that loser who shocked us all and turned out to be more stable than you? (Even though he can never be forgiven for attempting a recording career of his own. Popozao indeed.) You've become a hulking, trailer park adjacent, looks-like-she-smells-of-wet-dog-and-vodka, rehab failing, car crashing, bad wig-sporting mockery of yourself.

Between the head shaving, underpantslessness (look, I created a word), paparazzi dating, substance abuse, and hysterical freakouts, among other things, I just have two words for you: reality show. Yeah, I know you already had a reality show, but somehow I think you’d be so much more watchable now that you’re really crazy and not just a run-of-the-mill drunken moron. And due to the writers’ strike, I’m sure you could get a really good deal with the networks right now.

In conclusion: put on some underpants and get your barking mad self over to one of the television networks (Fox seems like a safe bet) and sell your crazy. Your kids may need the money later for therapy.

Sincerely,
Pie

Categories: silliness, letters

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 3.14 PM | permalink:.

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